LOVE IN NEPAL

TRAVEL TIME

The last you heard about Kathmandu was when you were hiring domestic help. But we’ve got news for you. It’s more kickass than your own boring city.
Swayambhunath
(Monkey Temple)
Yet another fine example of Buddhist temple architecture, but what makes this one truly awesome are the hordes of acrobatic monkeys skilled at robbing you blind. In fact, when the faithful make food offerings to The Buddha the infidel primates steal them a second later. This will cause them to be reincarnated as cockroaches.
Durbar Marg
Here naked ash-painted holy men mingle with fluorescent-clothed Europeans. While cute young Nepali girls aggressively hawk rotten fruit over the din of mooing metropolitan cows. Sit all day at the Maju Deval temple and watch the world go by, and go mental. Admire the temple’s erotic carvings while chatting up a magenta-clad Swedish girl. If you tell her you’re a Tantric meditation expert, and she doesn’t run away, you’re in there, dude.
Dakshin Kali Temple
Had bad luck lately? Need to make a quick animal sacrifice? This is the place to do it. Crowds of faithful come here year round to send chickens and goats straight to the gods’ buffet table. More gore than you see in all the Rambo movies ever made. Afterwards, have a nice snack at a nearby inexpensive restaurant.
Thamel
Every big city has its tourist ghetto, but in the case of Thamel, the inmates are running the asylum. In high season the streets are alive with the clamour of international tongues. Of course, most of them are screaming “leave me alone!” at pushy touts in various languages. Nepali seems to work best: “Jar! Jar!” (This is where George Lucas got the idea for his irritating Star Wars character, Jar Jar Binks.) Stick to Indian and Nepali grub if you don’t want to spend your holiday in the toilet.
Freak Street
Once a Mecca to the world’s malingerers, the last few hippies have long since moved to Thamel. Accordingly, Freak Street is the best place to stay for a little peace, man. Ever since marijuana was made illegal, Kathmandu has seen far fewer stuck-up hippies with trust funds. Unfortunately, they have been mostly replaced by stuck-up yuppies with investment funds. It’s hard to say which is more annoying. The yuppies do smell better.
Patan & Bhaktapur
The two other medieval towns that share the valley with Kathmandu. Both make interesting day trips away from the capital. Bhaktapur especially is notable for its temple carvings depicting giant elephants having sex in improbable positions. You could call it The Kama Sumo.
Bodhnath
The Bodhnath temple is Nepal’s most iconic structure, featuring giant eyes painted on the side. Haggle over Tibetan Thangka paintings, prayer wheels and fake jewelry, then visit a monastery and meditate about the futility of material possessions.
Nagarkot
Want to see the mighty Himalayan range the easy way? You can either go to the village of Nagarkot and take them in from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (there really is one!) or you can shell out $100 and see them aboard a convenient Buddha Air flight. If visibility is poor you don’t even have to pay.
Kumari Devi
Not many countries can claim to house a living deity – so of course this Dalai Lama-like darling is one of Kathmandu’s most prized citizens. While the Kumari Devi is supremely powerful as a child, like most child stars, she is rendered utterly useless at puberty. Resist the urge to scream “Hello, Dolly!” or she might have you struck by lightning.